The State of the Ace Backwords Eyeball Address

The last two months have been like an endless series of eye exams for me. With no end in sight (no pun intended). I just got back from my latest eye exam. And the situation is finally starting to become a bit more clear. So I thought I’d try and sum things up here, just so I don’t have to keep re-explaining myself every time one of my concerned Facebook friends asks me about it. Therefore, without further ado:

THE STATE OF THE ACE BACKWORDS EYEBALL ADDRESS:

One of the biggest sources of stress and anxiety for me lo these last two months, was the very real possibility that I might go completely blind. Or, as my regular eye doctor put: “Since you only have one functional eye, if something goes wrong with your one good eye you’re really going to be in a world of hurt.” Before I even started with the cataracts surgery two months ago, my eyes were already in a precarious position. My left eye was already pretty much shot. On top of that, I already had glaucoma, as well as two detached retina surgeries, and now I got the damn cataracts on top of that. So it was a serious situation.

The good news — after seriously sweating things out for the last two months — is that it looks like the cataracts surgery in my right eye (my one good eye) is going to hold up (knock knock!). So it looks like I’m not going to go blind after all. So — as they always say — it could have been a LOT worse. And count your blessings.

As for my left eye (my bum eye) the cataracts surgeon pretty much royally botched up that one. If she had had a lick of sense (she didn’t) she wouldn’t have even TRIED to do the cataracts surgery on that eye in the first place. Considering how damaged it already was. But she did. And now a month later I continue to deal with the fallout from that. But at least she didn’t botch the surgery on my good eye (at least as far as I can tell at this point). So I suppose I should at least be grateful to her for THAT (and count your blessings and etc).

My left eye STILL hasn’t completely healed from the botched surgery a month later. My cornea is still swollen. My eye pressure is alarmingly high, and I still get some headaches. But the hope at this point is that the eye will continue to heal and I won’t have ongoing problems with it for the rest of my life. . . What WON’T heal is the cosmetic damage the surgeon did to my left eye. It’s permanently disfigured. Which is disheartening from the point of view of my vanity (it looks like shit). But in terms of practical functioning, the eye was almost shot BEFORE the surgery. So if it ends up completely shot afterwards, well, that’s something I suppose I can live with. .. On the other hand, as a person who is somewhat crazy, I’ve always tried to at least camouflage my craziness. Which is now harder to do. Thanks to my new weird-ass eyeball. And my new look has variously been described by other people as “the evil eye” and “Marty Feldman eyes” and etc. But then on the OTHER other hand, my looks have never been nothing to write home about to begin with. So it’s not like this ruins my burgeoning career as a Supermodel or anything.

So there you have it. And now I’ll open the floor for general commentary and try to answer any questions you might have.

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